Single, With Kids, And Dating

I'd like to say at the outset that this post may come across as harsh, even though I've tried my best to stay objective. It's not easy walking in another person's shoes, so to all single parents out there, I apologize for anything I say which may piss you off, while I attempt to organize my thoughts.

I came across an interesting thread on one of the online communities I belong to. It was regarding single parents and dating. One poster asked when it was appropriate to introduce small children to the new person in their life.. and that got me thinking.

Is it really necessary to begin dating when one has small children? I really don't think so, although I can understand a person's need for companionship. However, with all the horror stories one hears about, it's a little scary to think of some psycho, posing as an eligible partner, whose only thought is to harm your kids. That alone is enough to convince me that it shouldn't be done, not when the kids are small anyway. Is that a pessimistic/paranoid approach? I suppose it is in a sense. But isn't the best interests of your child more important than a stranger? I'd rather be a pessimistic, paranoid freak, than let any harm come to my children. LOL I'm a bit of an extremist, can you tell? But no I don't live in seclusion ;)

I am thankful that I'm not in a position where I have to face life alone, and I'm sorry that people due to circumstance have to. On the one hand I want to encourage them to get on with life, and live it to it's fullest, but on the other hand I wonder why that can not be done alone? I know I could do it, because I'm one of those who "needs because I love" and not "loves because I need".

When I think about so many marriages that take a back seat once the kids arrive, I wonder how people can think of dates and meeting new people? I mean, I have a man right here in my house and I don't have time for him (sorry honey), so if I were single, how the hell would I make time for someone?

Am I coming across as a woman so secure in the knowledge that she has a man around that I have no clue about the trials of single parenthood? Or am I just a tough cookie who knows she can make it on her own?

I'd appreciate comments, as I plan to blog more about this after I ponder it some more. And if there are any single parents out there dating, I'd love to get some insight from you... who knows, I may not be seeing something you see. :)

Gorgeous Weekend!

NOT!

So this is fun! Here I am at home on another Saturday night, while the twins are tucked into bed and hubby is at work. If I liked wine, I'd probably be starting Saturday evenings with a glass or three to kill time, and slowly work my way up to complete alcoholism by the end of the year. Lucky for me wine makes my head pound, and that I hate drinking hard liquor alone. Guess I'll putter around on the internet for a bit, and use my new StumbleUpon tool bar.

I'm a long way off from the whirlwind party weekends of my single days. I hate nostalgia sometimes!

Open Relationships.. Swing Swing Swing!

It was recently that I read with growing amazement about the lives of swinging couples.... people who I know (online). Most of them were very forthright and open about their "open relationships" even though they're married and have kids. It works for them, so they say, and I guess I'm left with no choice but to take their word for it. A lot of things about having an open relationship when there are kids involved bother me, and makes me wonder if these parents really care how it would affect their kids should they find out. One woman I know mentioned that she was disgusted and devastated when she found out her parents enjoyed an open relationship. To this day she has intimacy issues. I find it very sad, that carnal pleasures take precedence over the emotional well being of a child. Yet there are parents who manage to keep that part of their lives away from their children.

As far as the couples themselves, I don't see the point really if one's marriage vows include fidelity etc. Some people mentioned that their vows did not include those words, but hello?? that's just neither here nor there in my opinion. My vows did not include "I will not lie to you" so should I consider it OK to lie to my spouse? Neither did it include "I will clean the toilet you poop in"... but that's another post. ;)

I try to keep an open mind, to each their own, and if swinging is what makes some people happy, then good for them. While I feel I can judge a little, I certainly can't tell them how to live their lives, and I'm sure they're not all promiscuous just because they have "swinging" added to their sexual preferences. Maybe I need to see it a different way, who knows? But for now, I'm not spreading my legs for someone else's husband, while she waits it out with mine.

I Am Mommy!

All I've done the last one week is be "mommy". And I really thought I was breaking free, I even hired a housekeeper to help me out, so I would have more time for me. Well, that didn't work out, and now it's back to dirty dishes, laundry, dusting and all the other wonderful things which make motherhood so.... interesting. In the last three years, I'd literally convinced myself that THIS is what life is all about. The daily chores, keeping house, stressing about dinner, blah blah frickin BLAH! What have I become?

Obviously someone who is so trapped in a life which is not entirely satisfying, that I actually convinced myself that all was well. It's only recently that I've come to realize... I've been an idiot, and I only have myself to blame. Sure, I got caught up in raising kids, and being a mommy to my wonderful twins, but really... am I giving them my all? As a mother, maybe I'm doing a great job, and trust me enough people tell me that I am. But as a role model? I don't think so.

I neglect myself, I've all but stopped exercising my brain, I barely glance at myself in the mirror, and I'm certainly not the wife I used to be pre kids. And yeah, I'm sure there are a zillion women out there who would probably say "so what? you're doing the best you can do." Well sorry, I say bullshit! I'm NOT doing my best. My best is or rather, was a hell of a lot more kick ass than this woman I've become. A woman who maybe not at first, but after a while began hiding behind the word "mom". Every little thing I couldn't or wouldn't do was explained away, to myself and others with the words "I don't have the time." At first maybe that really was the case, and anyone who has twins knows what the first year can be like. Seriously, some days I didn't have time to visit the washroom! LOL. Soon it became a vent, and then slowly a mantra... I was so convinced, and some days I still am convinced that I just don't have the damn time.

But I do! I have lots of time to take care of me. Somewhere between doing the dishes and four loads of laundry.... LOL see how quickly the excuses slip out? Funny we never mention nap time or the time after the kids are slumbering, or watching TV, or playing happily with an interesting toy. Why can't I pick up a good book to read then? Or do my nails? Or talk to my husband about his day? Or actually do any damn thing that matters to ME as an individual? Why do we insist on wasting ourselves? Do we really get so comfortable in this role of "mom" or are we using it as an excuse?

Born Again Virgin?

Is Christianity reaching a whole new level of spirituality? I'm sure they are, and I'm also sure that women are reaching a whole new level of insanity! Not for them the new trends of fashion, why bother when you can get down to where it really matters?... your vagina! The newest way to rediscover yourself (or gloss over your checkered past) is... "revirginization" or hymen restoration. I kid you not, it really is a new trend, and you can read all about it here.

Much as I try, I cannot wrap my mind around this. What purpose does it serve I ask, even after reading all about how it's for women who want to "reclaim" their virginity. Aside from wondering why anyone in their right mind would like to do that, I wonder how they think they can accomplish such a feat by replacing their hymen with a new one. Do the doctors also work on memory removal while they're at it? or has pretense taken on a whole new meaning?

I'm sure this is not like a boob job or a tummy tuck, those make you look better. This would do what? Mislead the man who you decide to sleep with after the surgery? Is it really that important for women to pacify a man? themselves? I can't figure it out. I mean if I wanted to give my husband resistance, all I have to do is indulge in a ton of housework, and let the daily stresses of life get the better of me, and at the end of the day when he wants to... you know ;) he'll be met with so much resistance, that it would take every ounce of his masculinity to break down that barrier.

Some of them claim it's a new way for them to embrace abstinence. Really now? You need a surgery which will cost you thousands of dollars to do that? Can't you just say "No?"

Have A MIL You Hate?

If you don't you must be part of that small exclusive club of "Daughters-in-Law Who are Adored" - Total amount of members: 3 (global). OK, ok don't kill me, I know there are some wonderful MILs out there, who dote on their sons wives and kids. They send you magazine subscriptions for Mothers Day and white wine when it rains... good for you! Treasure that MIL, in fact preserve her in spices and bottle her... she'll fetch a good price, I promise you! I would buy a good loving MIL in a heartbeat. Not that I have anything to complain about really, since I have no relationship with my MIL whatsoever. We've ignored each other since I married her first born, and since her first born also ignores her (and pretty much anyone he's related to) I can blissfully go through life pretending I have no ILs and more importantly, no MIL.

Sigh... if life were only that simple! The bad MILs have the ability to turn up like a bad muscle pull in your neck. Take my MIL for example, she's never seen her grandkids (except from a distance), and has nothing to do with us. But on any given day, if she's bored enough, she can push her way into our lives somehow, some way.

I'll use our anniversary as an example, the woman sent us an e-card this year. Isn't that wonderful? The same woman who refuses to acknowledge her only grandkids since their birth, never bothers to call or even attempt some sort of reconciliation with her son, decides to send us anniversary wishes in the form of a free e-card. My husband finds it amusing, and so do I, but my amusement usually covers a lot of disgust. Now some may say that she seems to be trying, but really, anniversary wishes? Why no card for my kids 3rd birthday which was less than four months ago? I shake my head in disgust at this woman and her pathetic attempts to make herself feel good. But such is life, and I'd rather have her away than close, sadly her son feels the same. It was his idea initially in case anyone was wondering.

But will that stop me from ranting about it every once in a while? I doubt it (snicker). And if you're a DIL who hates her MIL, you'll understand the pleasures of letting it all out, and occasionally (ok ok often) calling your MIL every dirty name in the book, and even inventing a few new names as you go along.

People Need To Get A Grip!

Have you noticed how people always ask you where your kids are if you don't have them tagging around with you? I notice that every single time I venture out on my own, and more and more it's beginning to annoy me. They barely get past hello and BHAM... "Where are the kids?" Some look downright confused, while others almost panic, as if my kids wherever they are cannot breathe because I'm not there to tell them how. It's really quite disturbing when people see you as "just mom" and not "woman who is on her way to get her nails done, because they're threatening to fall off due to neglect and abuse".

I began to hit those people with humor, but it didn't work. One middle aged lady looked at me in disgust when I said "Oh we sold the kids" another friend looked bewildered. How dumb are people? Maybe they just don't get humor laced with sarcasm, personally I quite enjoy it. Not my problem if they insist on asking me the same question everytime they see me minus kids, they could always ask how I'm doing, but no, they either love to see my kids or they don't want to be bored with my ramblings. But they better get used to it, because I've started going out on my own more this year than before, and people need not panic because what I grew in my belly are not permanently attached to my hands!